DOGGIE HAIKU
Ancient Japanese stylistic poems (syllable pattern: 5, 7, 5)
with the doggie lifestyle in mind.

• A dog eats his food
  Afterwards he drinks water
  Wonder if he’ll barf?

• See the big dog’s spots
  Brown and white and brown and white
  Do the white ones itch?

• I like dogs with hair
  Two of ‘em makes a pair
  Three of ‘em… no thanks!

• $1000 bucks for a dog?
  Are you crazy in the head?
  The pound is the spot.

• Ban pet stores in malls
  And outlaw all puppy mills too.
  There, I feel better.

DOGGIE HAIKU
Ancient Japanese stylistic poems (syllable pattern: 5, 7, 5)
with the doggie lifestyle in mind.

• The sea waves beckon
  I’ll catch the Frisbee this time
  Ow, the sand is hot!

• That sandwich smells good
  Is that turkey-swiss on rye?
  Why don’t I do lunch?

• Wow, what an odor!
  What did you just roll in, girl?
  You sure wear it well.

• Your breath smells bad too
  I just keep it to myself
  What is that, garlic?

I like your TUBE, baby!

“Dear Claudette"
Are you cat-weary? Determined to please your people? Having interpersonal problems at the dog park? Let Claudette’s years of wisdom and experience be your guide.

Q: Dear Claudette: What is your favorite TV show? Pudge Rodriguez, Brownville, TX
A: Dear Pudge: Well, I wouldn’t mind being let loose on the set of “Meerkat Manor,” I’ll tell you that. Those little rats are toothsome looking! I like the theme music to “The Young and the Restless” though the show itself is vapid. And I like “The Dog Whisperer” for its sheer comic value. As if that crap works! Ha!

How can I take myself seriously, SERIOUSLY!!

“Dear Claudette”

Are you cat-weary? Determined to please your people? Having interpersonal problems at the dog park? Let Claudette’s years of wisdom and experience be your guide.

Q: Dear Claudette: How can I get my mom to stop dressing me in “outfits?” I am an 80 lb. boxer mix just trying to do my job by keeping the house safe from critters and whatnot. This is not possible if I am wearing a ridiculous shirt proclaiming that “bitches love me” or some other rot. I need help right away, as Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Gerard, Austin, TX
A: Dear Gerard: I for one do not mind getting dolled up, but then again, I look smokin’ in just about anything I wear. But here’s what my friend Diablo, the bullmastiff mix does: he goes catatonic when his Mom outfits him in the latest costume. Limp as a dish rag. The photo ops are nil, and pretty soon Mom gets bored. If this doesn’t work for you, next time you take that big drink out of the toilet, dribble on the seat. Payback is a you-know-what!

Me? Passive Aggressive? Never!

“Dear Claudette”

Are you cat-weary? Determined to please your people? Having interpersonal problems at the dog park? Let Claudette’s years of wisdom and experience be your guide.
Q: Dear Claudette: I am a basset mix and I like to hump. I don’t care what it is, I’ll hump it. The thing is my mom doesn’t like it so much and she wants me to stop. I don’t know why I do it, so how can I stop? Emilio, Iowa City, IA
A: Dear Emilio: You sound a little passive-aggressive to me. You know your mom hates it, you pretend you can’t help yourself, and so it goes. You need a hobby. If your only interest is your own body, then pick apart and lick it incessantly. I prefer projects around the house, myself. As soon as I finish with the little piece of carpet sticking up behind the drapes, I plan to get started on the back leg of the armoire. Its shape has bothered me for like ever, and I intend to do something about it. You could also start chasing your tail, but I don’t recommend it.

Cats are EVIL!

“Dear Claudette”

Are you cat-weary? Determined to please your people? Having interpersonal problems at the dog park? Let Claudette’s years of wisdom and experience be your guide.

Q: Dear Claudette: The cat has me baffled. Sometimes she acts like we’re good buddies, and lots of nights she tries to get in bed with me, which I don’t mind. Then other times, she acts like she’s going to scratch my eyes out (like last weekend when I innocently stumbled on her favorite hiding place under the bed). She also has a wicked growl, and frankly I fear for my safety. Help! Raoul, Paradise Valley, AZ
A: Dear Raoul: You let that she-devil in bed with you? You should fear for your safety. Give this lunatic wide berth. She obviously has multiple personalities. Next time she tries to snuggle up to you, say “no thanks.” Meanwhile, work on some hobbies to keep you occupied. Currently I’m working on a little piece of carpet that sticks up behind the drapes. Good times!

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's... Flying Squirrels!?

“Dear Claudette”
Are you cat-weary? Determined to please your people? Having interpersonal problems at the dog park? Let Claudette’s years of wisdom and experience be your guide.
Q: Dear Claudette: Do squirrels fly? Brandi, Lake Oswego, OR
A: Dear Brandi: No, those are bird. Squirrels are the brown bushy tailed thingies that jump around on roof-tops. Not to be confused with chipmunks, who… well I don’t know what they do, but they don’t fly either.